The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Watching her eat just hurts me
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
