Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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