I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
