"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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