I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
