The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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