I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
