wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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