I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
