I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
