Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Do vagina's smell?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
