I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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