I think I died a long time ago.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
