Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
