so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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