I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
