Me too!
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
