Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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