he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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