I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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