my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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