Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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