Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I'm like, not good at living.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
