so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
