My Higher Power is John Stamos
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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