why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Randomize
