he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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