Just fell off a train. Bad.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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