Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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