Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
