Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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