Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
