At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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