My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
