Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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