I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
