I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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