I just cut my nipple shaving
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
no you cant smoke seaweed
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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