The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
