I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
well you can't waste a boner
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
May the power of my ass compel you!!
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
