I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Randomize
