I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
