Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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