Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
