I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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