who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
