I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
