Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
