what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
