yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
